


you can ebb and i can flow (we'll take it slow)

by thisisluz



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2012, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hopeful Ending, Light Angst, M/M, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-10
Updated: 2020-12-10
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:42:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27999951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisisluz/pseuds/thisisluz
Summary: "Phil used to close his eyes, press the tip of his nose to Dan’s cheek, and tried not to get too choked up with emotion. He still does the same thing, except now it’s the cold pillow he presses his face into while drowning in his too-empty bed, and thinks how Dan feels more and more like a stranger with each passing day."
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 5
Kudos: 25





	you can ebb and i can flow (we'll take it slow)

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to my first posted fic ever, this is nerve-wracking and all I want is to click the publish button and throw my laptop across the room (: Also English is not my first language so I apologize for any atrocious mistakes, please be kind to me and enjoy reading!

Phil hears from his bedroom the sound of Dan’s door slamming shut. The shelf on their shared wall rattles slightly, and the way the little figurines almost fell over but manage to stay put feels to Phil like a somewhat cruel metaphor for their relationship in the last few months. 

There hadn’t even been an argument this time. Maybe that was the real problem. Shouted conversations and disagreements had turned into tense silences that neither of them knew how to break. Phil wasn’t sure if Dan even wanted to break them. He seemed to shut down every time Phil tried to get closer, tried to get back to how things were before. They used to understand each other with a simple glance, be able to communicate an entire conversation with just the raise of an eyebrow. Dan used to shift close to him late at night, his young and soft face barely lit by the moonlight that came through the window, and whisper “I can’t believe I found someone like you. You know me better than anyone else. Better than I know myself”. Phil used to close his eyes, press the tip of his nose to Dan’s cheek, and tried not to get too choked up with emotion. He still does the same thing, except now it’s the cold pillow he presses his face into while drowning in his too-empty bed, and thinks how Dan feels more and more like a stranger with each passing day.

He sits now on the side of the mattress with his legs dangling numbly, listening to the soft creeks of the floor in the next bedroom. He tries not to imagine Dan restlessly pacing back and forth, muttering to himself angry and hateful words. It feels almost like a routine nowadays: one of them cooks dinner for two alone, eats his portion, and leaves the rest for the other person to find later. They rarely eat together anymore, and when they do, they have to turn up the volume of the TV, to cover up the lack of conversation. After dinner, they sit on opposite sides of the couch. Dan answers emails, edits videos, or simply types away angrily for several hours, and Phil watches him over the screen of his laptop and pretends not to when Dan looks up. After a while, Phil gets up, mutters good night, and walks to his bedroom, leaving the door just a tiny bit open, a silent invitation that Dan never takes. Instead, he closes his own door with force, and paces for what sometimes feels to Phil like the entire night. It feels almost like a routine, and Phil usually accepts it and tries to drown out the sound of Dan’s constant padding with music. But tonight he can’t. It feels like too much, and suddenly he can’t take it anymore.

It’s like the damn breaks down, feelings bottled up for too long finally flowing free, leaving him feeling raw and in pain. He gets up, legs shaking, crosses the small space of the corridor between his and Dan’s room, and is knocking on the door before he can second guess himself. The pacing inside stops abruptly, and it’s only a few seconds later that the door hesitantly opens to reveal Dan’s tired face on the other side, dark circles matching Phil’s. He looks exhausted and sad, and with the defenses and barriers that he puts up during the day gone, he seems much younger and lost. Anything that Phil was about to say dies in his throat, never making it through his lips, as his heart aches for Dan, for himself, for whatever that was lost between them. A few seconds pass in heavy silence, and then Dan is eyeing him warily, asking in a quiet voice “...are you okay?”. Phil can’t be sincere at this moment, but he can’t lie to Dan’s confused face either and say he is, so he retreats “Are you?”. Dan seems taken aback. 

“I’m fine”, he tries to say, but his voice cracks and his face crumples. He takes a step back into his room, like he’s putting space between them again, like he’s running away, but Phil can let it keep happening, so he takes a step of his own forward and reaches out to Dan with his hands, stopping them midway and leaving them hanging in the air, just like everything that’s left unsaid. Dan doesn’t cry, but he looks like he’s about to, lost and helpless and confused with his own reaction.

“Please don’t,” Phil manages to breathe out, “please don’t keep doing this Dan”

Dan takes a shuddering breath in, and his hand clenches the door handle tightly, knuckles turning white. One of Phil’s hands finally makes a landing on top of Dan’s, and both of them force out the air in their lungs, the tension bleeding out from their bodies, a warmth spreading from the contact point. Dan releases his grip on the handle, leaving his hand soft and relaxed on top of it, and allowing Phil to interlock their fingers slowly. Their palms finally press together and it feels like coming home after a lifetime out in the cold. 

“I’m so sorry” mutters Dan, regret and sorrow soaking his words and dripping from his voice.

“It’s not your fault.” Phil answers automatically, squeezing their hands. Dan’s eyes abandon the point he was boring into the carpet and slide sharply into his. “...It’s not just your fault” Phil concedes, “I am here too. I shouldn’t have left you to deal with it alone.” He swallows around the guilt he’s been carrying around for longer than he thought, a heaviness lifting from his chest as he finally manages to get out the last words. “I am sorry too Dan. I’m sorry”

It’s like pulling a plug. Dan squeezes his eyes shut and Phil can see the moisture gathering around the corners. He doesn’t have time to react however, because Dan is shuffling his socketed feet in the carpet to close the distance between them. His forehead drops to rest on Phil’s shoulder and he presses down, as if he’s trying to fuse the two of them together. It can’t even be qualified as a hug, but as Phil lets his free hand rest on the back of Dan’s neck, the pad of his thumb drawing small circles on the smooth skin behind his ear, it feels like a supernova is imploding in the small space left between their chests

“It’s alright, I got you.” Phil chokes out, his voice thick with emotion. Dan reaches up Phil’s waist with his hand and grabs a fist of his T-shirt. “I got you now”.

Holding tightly into one another, they sway back and forth on their feet. They’re still in the middle of the storm that rocks their life mercilessly, but for the first time in forever, they fend against it together. As they stand in the narrow hallway, breaths and hearts synchronizing back together, a promise for peace begins to grow its way into existence.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked this tiny one-shot! I'd love to hear your thoughts and feedback <3


End file.
